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Conker's Bad Fur Day
Platform:  Nintendo 64
# of Players:  1-4
Developer:  Rare
Publisher:  Nintendo
Features:  Expasion Pack
Ratings:  Mature
Memory Req.:  none
WARNING: This review is of an adult nature as is the game. Read on at your own discretion.

de·praved (d-prvd) adj.
Morally corrupt; perverted.
-The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Third Edition

That pretty much sums up this game. It makes no qualms about the fact that it is aiming for the lowest common denominator. It does without any redeeming moral qualities and if you are looking for lessons learned you are barking up the wrong tree. There are wall to wall jokes about shit and sex, not to mention all of the blood and guts we are used to in games like Quake. At last someone has heard our requests and answered.

The fun in Conker comes from content as well as from gameplay. This is not all just for show. Behind all of the shit monsters and well-endowed flowers are some really intricate puzzles and some fun challenges. In fact the creators think that there are so many fun things to do that they have included a Chapters section on the main menu that allows you to go back and re-do any part of the game that you wish. Plus it features some great environments and--get this--voices. The only problem that I had with the game were some slight control issues. Hardly anything to get to uptight about in such a fun and silly atmosphere.

The entire game takes place in one day. A very long Bad Fur Day or BFD (get it?) The night before this day occurred Conker was at his local pub getting hammered. The famous British pop band, The Weasels, were playing and his buds were off to fight a war the next day and it was a time of heavy drinking and merriment. The problem with heavy drinking is that you get a hangover the next day and that is just what ails our hero at the start of the game. With the help of a friendly scarecrow he makes it to sobriety and is ready to find his way home. One problem, though—Conker does not know where the hell he is. Thus begins the long day’s journey into night.

Meanwhile at the castle the evil King (who sounds like a cross between Barry White and Shere Khan from Disney’s Jungle book) is having a problem. It seems the fourth leg of his table has broken off and the milk that he so lovingly enjoys keeps sliding off. He calls in his professor and his professor concludes that a squirrel would fit perfectly in that spot and hold the table up. What creative genius!

So we go back to Conker. Trying to get home, Conker encounters all kinds of different characters and gets into a multitude of adventures. Unlike Banjo-Kazooie (also made by Rare) BFD has very little to learn in the way of control. There is a jump button and an action button. Usually the action button will swing Conker’s trusty frying pan but there are all types of interesting uses for it that are dependent on where Conker is and what he is doing. For example, when riding the bull or the pitchfork (yes you have to ride a pitchfork) the action button will perform a charge. Very useful if you want to blow up unsuspecting cows. Other than that there is not too much to learn. Most of the puzzles involve thinking and clever navigation of areas. Walking on ledges, jumping over lava, that sort of thing. There are instances where you will have to aim and fire a weapon but those are self-explanatory.

What is really impressive is the way that BFD takes typical platform elements and transforms them into something absurd or disgusting. For example, on one level there is a button that you need to press and you have to flood an area to do it. However, you don’t just turn the water on. Oh no, you have to get cows to shit into the drain above the area. How do you do this? By getting them to drink prune juice of course. Then they get the “screaming squits” and the flooding is complete. Since one cow won’t do the job you have to blow up the cow to make room for another cow’s shit. Never mind the fact that Conker has to swim through it to get out.

Another part involves an old bee whose hive is closed. In order to get him to open it you must get the flower that he loves so much to open up to him so he can “pollinate her”. To do this you must surround her with tickle bees that must be gathered from the four corners of the level. Getting tickled turns her on and opens her up so that she doesn’t cover the big bulbous growths on her chest. Then the old bee climbs on top of her and begins to pollinate. I am sure you have heard about the shit monster that throws pooh or the fire demons that you must piss on in order to put out, but if you haven’t rest assured that they are every bit as graphic as they seem.

As if all of this carnage and disgusting perversity was not enough to make you happy, Rare has gone and put in a bunch of mini-games and mulit-player modes. (Lucas Arts take note) There is a Raptor level that puts a huge Raptor against a bunch of unsuspecting cavemen. There is also a level entitle”heist” that is inspired by Resevoir Dogs where different colors compete to get the bank’s jewels. The most interesting level though has to be the Beach level. One team, the Tedizs man a fort on the beach and the other team, The Frenchis have to make it to the other side without getting shot. Sound familiar? Ever seen Saving Private Ryan? There are also typical Deathmatch and Capture the Flag type scenarios to flesh out the multi-player mode.

As I mentioned before the only problem that I had with the game were some slight control problems. They weren’t major, but they really stood out in a game that was otherwise perfect. Many times the camera will swing around in the middle of a jump or a move and mess up the entire trajectory. This was especially noticeable in the swimming parts. Sometimes it would be so bad as to swing around behind a pillar or a wall so that all of the action was blocked off. Another problem was the sloped surfaces. If you are falling or sliding or simply running on a sloped surface and you jump, nothing will happen and you will continue to slide to your death. Once you get used to these little inconveniences you can avoid them but until you do they will frustrate endlessly.

So if you are 17 or older and you think that you do not have enough games with Dung Beetles and Shit monsters. Or if you think it would be fun to traverse snot and puke and make it to the big-boobed bunny on the other side then there really is no other game that you can get. Thankfully that behind all of the gimmicky gross-out stuff there is a really solid game. So instead of doing a lot of annoying crap to get to the funny stuff you will be enjoying a great game between all of the funny stuff. I mean how many other games require you to push a ball of pooh up a hill in order to open a locked door?

Chris Shade

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